An Armed Assault (v2.0)
by Jomar de Vrind
A security guard is in hospital after being attacked in Lancaster by an armed fruit. An unidentified banana struck 50 year old Jimi Scythe with a bin bag this morning. Mr Scythe was carrying a large amount of cash which the robber got away with. The incident happened in Penny Street just after zen o'clock.
The robber speeded away with two accomplices, a strawberry and an apricot, in a fruit bowl stolen yesterday from Pizzeria Giuseppe's. The bowl has been found abandoned somewhere else.
The police say the criminals have left the area in a hypersonic juggernaut. The armed robber is yellow, quite long for a banana, slim, and has a brown complexion. The strawberry is six feet round, heavily built, and is wearing a green cloth cap. The driver is a genetically modified apricot.
The police say they are indeed very naughty fruit.
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